How Men Choose Women | The Tyee
But no matter how strange men are, if you're a woman who wants to meet the right man, you have to clue in to how men think. (Okay, “think” is a. Or you meet men who are so off from your ideal that you wonder if you will Very specific criteria for a partner can keep you from finding love. 10 Things You Should Do to Meet Your Person in (None of Which Are Apps ) So here's my best advice for the stuff you should do if you're really you invade anyone's personal space or keep following them around if.
When a man spies a woman who is really "his type" -- whatever this may be -- he thinks he has found someone whose sexual needs he could enthusiastically fulfill. Shall we blame him for thinking this is good news for her too? A Short Vignette It's lunchtime. Randy and Tom find themselves sitting next to a rather elegant woman in a yuppie bar in the business district.
They strike up a conversation with her while they wait for their respective tables. The woman, Rachel, is friendly, glad to have someone to talk to while she waits for a friend to show up. The men are responding in kind, but meanwhile they are both, as discreetly as they can, checking Rachel out. Now it happens that Rachel, though strikingly attractive, has a slightly hawk-like cast to her features, a slight fierceness built into her face, that reads to Randy as intimidating and as slightly masculine.
He senses in her an unswerving confidence in herself and in the cosmos, and a capacity for aggression, that make him feel he may be out of his league. So Randy is leaning toward a no on the "lover" issue, except for one thing: He is having trouble getting good views of her legs, because he is right next to her, and has to lean back and tilt his head to inspect them.
To make matters worse, Rachel has said she is a criminal lawyer. Randy is a tax lawyer, and they are bantering about the legal scene. But he opted out of court work because it was too scary, and he is very conscious of a threat to his ego in this woman. Those legs make him wish that she didn't intimidate him, but he can't fight the verdict of his genes. Meanwhile Tom, who is one barstool over, is caught in a different struggle.
Tom does not perceive Rachel as hawk-like or aggressive; he came from a family of women who had features somewhat like Rachel's, and to him her face represents not only beauty, but comfort, femininity and warmth.
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Tom is half in love already. He is not a lawyer and is not directly threatened by any status Rachel may have in that area. Tom's problem is that he can't seem to get into the conversation because Randy is the one sitting next to Rachel and they're talking shopand is therefore unable to tell how he and Rachel might get along, or even how she might react to him. Tom is divorced, has been lonely and horny for ages, and he has checked Rachel's hand and found no ring. Breast security Tom has one other problem.
Don't laugh at him, girls, or think he's a lout: Tom is a breast man. This does not mean that Tom thinks he deserves more goodies than the next guy -- that he wants a luxury that he could do without.
Rather, Tom's problem is that his sexual confidence is tied to the large female bosom: I said he didn't choose to be this way. Tom didn't sit down with a notepad at age thirteen and write, "I now decide that I will find the following features of the female anatomy unbearably exciting. Like a man who hears western swing music for the first time and knows he has found his Holy Grail.
So what did determine the matter? It could be cultural: The problem with that theory is we have too many different men liking too many different body types: It could be genetic: Or perhaps it was early childhood experience, or lack thereof.
Maybe he imprinted on the first woman he fell in love with--and maybe that was his art teacher in Grade Four. At any rate, ever since he noticed how lovely Rachel is, Tom has been trying to lean around his stocky friend Randy and get a gander at Rachel's chest.
But Randy is always in the way, and unfortunately Rachel is wearing a business suit and the jacket pretty much hides her shape.
Rachel says to Randy, "The only place that really matters to me is our family cottage on the lake," and Rachel twists toward them on her stool, her jacket falls open, and Tom has his first unobstructed view of the generous curve of her chest in a cream blouse.
Tom is now completely smitten, because his own sacred place happens to be a cottage on a lake, and he is absolutely clear that Rachel, as a physical specimen, is his wet dream. Tom now has achieved what we will call a "sighting. He knows right now, with the same certainty that he knows his own address, that he could be happy with this woman. Behind his exterior calm he is hyperventilating, because this never happens. He sees women whom he finds attractive, sometimes, but they are not alone.
And they are usually married. Mostly he sees them across a room or across the street. And he never gets to hear them talk about their lives, never gets even a hint as to whether he might be compatible with them in a personal sense. On this occasion in the restaurant, all these sad rules have found an exception.
This woman is classy, she is smart and she cares about lakes. And in Tom's eyes, she is a goddess. Randy gets up to go to their table. He says goodbye to Rachel, who gives him a warm smile. Tom suspects that Rachel is attracted to Randy. Tom has no sense at all of Rachel even noticing him. He smiles at her but his smile comes out anxious and stiff, because for him there is too much at stake and he has no cards to play.
Randy says, "Let's go, bud," a little sarcastically--and Tom realizes he is just standing there in a haze, gazing at Rachel. Randy tugs him away and says to Rachel, "This guy needs to eat. Randy says dismissively, "She was nice, but kind of butch-looking. A little hefty, too. A few minutes later, they see Rachel sit down in a nearby booth with a very good-looking, well-dressed man, who seems to be locked in constant hilarity with her. Tom abandons a half-formed plan of somehow talking to her before heading back to work.
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This is how it happens to us men. A typical session in the endless male search: Let's inventory a few useful points: Facial looks are totally subjective: Same for body shapes and sizes. Total accidents of seating and attitude can stop major connections from being made. Men very rarely have positive "sightings," and usually are not in a position to act even on those. Men's relentless scrutiny of women, the thing that drives feminists crazy, is just as much a screening out of that which is intimidating as it is a judging of whether someone is up to par.
If truth be known, Randy's dismissal of Rachel had little to do with her being not pretty or too heavy. The truth was, he found her intimidating as a lawyer and as a woman. The most confident, forward man in the group is not always the most interested one. He may be confident because he isn't interested, and therefore has nothing to lose.
The one who can't get a word out may be the one who is stricken with attraction. Above all, remember this.
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Qualities of character are often in play from the beginning. Men may seem to be judging solely on appearance--but in fact they see in appearance many other levels of humanity.
But suddenly, it all changes, because that piece of the puzzle has been addedand you can't remember why you ever wanted it any other way. But men are used to being pursuers in relationships. Society and experience both teach us that we need to obtain, and then keep a woman's attention. Now, I am by no means saying that you should feel as though your relationship depends on you proving yourself to her every day -- she should love and value you as you are for who you are.
You want to capture the heart of a woman? The bottom line is you have to be a product and sell yourself daily. She wants you to keep reinventing yourself while still being the essence of the person she met. Don't fall into a routine, because a routine is indifferent. Show her that you love her by continuing to be better than you were yesterday and better than the rest. If you can master that, she will never stop loving you. Sometimes it's difficult to explain how you met. Maybe you're from different parts of the world, or maybe you're from the very same town, but never actually spoke until your adult life.
Whatever it is, you become thankful for it. And you enter every relationship expecting the worst of someone. You make crazy assumptions and doubt really good people just because of one person.
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Someone treating you this well has got to be too good to be true. After you push him away. So when you get it you reject it. You keep waiting for a fight. But instead, everything gets talked out and explained. He redefines these horrible standards she has and he chooses to be the exception. And question if they are better off without you. You think they are better off without you but the truth is just as they have made your life better it goes both ways. Your strength and understanding and lack of judgment in everyone is what makes you beautiful.
In the past, you were able to love someone who was completely unlovable and intolerable.